Top 10 Best Jack Handey Quotes
Remember Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey from Saturday Night Live?
I loved all those weird little one-liners and madman philosophical musings. I found a website that has most of them posted and wanted to share my favorite ones. It was hard limiting it down to 10, but I have some links where you can find more.
The Official Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey website - It even has a Deep Thoughts Ticker to put on your blog.
Erik & Anna's Jack Handey quotes - Looks like they have every Deep Thought ever written here.
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(1) If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The Soldering Iron of Justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the Soldering Iron of Justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
(2) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
(3) To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
(4) Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because...what is that thing?!
(5) If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
(6) I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
(7) When I die, I would like to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
(8) Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee.)
(9) I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
(10) Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
