How to Turn a Tragedy into Entertainment 101
The shooting at Virginia Tech is the best thing to happen to the media since the Anna Nicole "Who the Baby Daddy?" fiasco.
I've been watching the news and studying their tactics in order to develop this helpful how-to guide for any news station that needs higher ratings.
1. If you don't know the facts yet, speculate, speculate, speculate. Create EVERY possible scenario to confuse viewers about what could have happened and what really did happen.
2. Pump information from everyone involved. If you can't find anyone involved, grab any person that happens to be walking by and interview him/her. A good reporter knows that anyone who was within a two-mile radius when the incident occurred has information (information as in opinions and feelings).
3. Choose words carefully. MASSACRE, BLOOD-DRENCHED, and KILLING SPREE will draw in viewers.
4. Graphics are important. Make them stand out! See example below:
6. Paint an interesting profile of the shooter. Find out everything you can about him, such as he was a loner who wrote some plays with violent themes. Talk to anyone who knew him personally. If that's not possible, interview high school classmates who went to school with him, but didn't actually know him (like CNN did today). Hey, it's better than nothing.
7. Express sorrow for those who lost their lives. Respect grieving students and families, but make sure you get their grief on video so that the whole world can share in their most personal, heart-wrenching moments.
8. Any photos or videos taken during the shooting can be submitted to CNN. Photos of bloody bodies being carried out of buildings are especially encouraged. It's important that viewers see as much detail as possible.
9. Focus on race. Forget the fact that all other school shootings were done by white men. He immigrated from South Korea. That's gotta mean something.
10. Find a hero. A teacher who blocks the door to save his students and gets killed is good. But, a holocaust survivor who does this? Bonus!
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When I heard the shooter was Asian, I got a little worried that race would become an issue. Sure enough, the question came up during a press conference with Virginia Governor Tim Kaine. I think Kaine handled it well and made it clear that this should not be used as an excuse for prejudice. Many Asians did get worried about this, especially South Korean born. Here's a good article on it: Asians Fear Blacklash after Virginia Tech Shooting.
