Doctors, Klonopin, & Addiction
I feel like I've had blinders on for so many years and now they've suddenly come off.
About 15 years ago, I saw a doctor because I was having panic attacks. He prescribed Xanax, a very effective benzodiazapine tranquilizer. At the time, I was told that it "could be habit forming" or "long-term use could result in dependency." Every time I stopped taking the Xanax, I would get these horrible panic attacks. So I kept taking it. I talked to a doctor about it five years ago and he switched me to Klonopin, another benzodiazapine. He told me that Panic Disorder is often a life-long problem and although I might become dependent on anxiety medication, Klonopin was safe (kind of like people who take heart medication I guess).
Later I found out (the hard way) that Klonopin is a dangerous, highly addictive drug. Sudden, abrupt withdrawal could cause users to end up in the ER because the effects are so severe. The only way to stop taking it is to taper off over a long period of time.
Once I ran out and couldn't get a doctor's appointment right away. This was right after we moved to Virginia. It wasn't too bad getting through the first three days, but then it did get bad. The fourth day I can only describe as a 24-hour panic attack. I was curled up in the fetal position, sweating, trembling, and I couldn't talk. I tried, but could barely get words out. By the fifth day, I was delusional. I had auditory hallucinations. I thought I had gone crazy.
Not knowing what else to do, my husband called my old doctor in Pennsylvania and told him we were vacationing in Virginia and I had run out. He called in a prescription to the local pharmacy.
An hour later, I had the pills and took 1 mg. of Klonopin. Then, I was completely fine. What we did was illegal, but I didn't care.
But, that isn't the only dangerous part of taking Klonopin, and I just found out most of this a few days ago. It causes depression, memory loss, blunted emotions, and a complete loss of desire or ambition to do anything. I saw doctors for depression and they put me on anti-depressants, but none of them worked for me. The doctors couldn't figure out why.
Stevie Nicks & Klonopin
I read about Stevie Nicks' addiction to Klonopin and her story helped open my eyes. These are some excerpts of the article that I can relate to:
"I was sad and I was sick. I didn't really understand right up until the end that it was the Klonopin that was making me crazy. I really didn't realize it was that drug because I was taking it from a doctor and it was prescribed. It just hit me really hard that that was the foundation for why I was completely falling apart."
"Klonopin is a horrible, dangerous drug," says Nicks, an addict for eight years. "Doctors are dying to put you on drugs: 'Feeling a little nervous? Here, let's mask everything so you don't have a personality anymore."
"The overwhelming feeling of wellness and calm equals blah, nothing. My creativity went away. The fabulous Stevie everyone knew just disappeared. I became what I call the 'whatever' person. I didn't care about anything anymore."
I've also been reading other people's experiences on forums, websites, and blogs. Some of them talk about withdrawal lasting for 9 months, a year, two years. Others write about how desperate they are to get off Klonopin, but they can't do it.
I Don't Like Doctors
A few months ago, I ran out a week too early and had to call the doctor for a refill. I had taken 2 mg. for a few days, instead of 1 mg. because somedays 1 mg. just isn't enough. My doctor wasn't in the office so a different doctor called me back. I never met him or heard of him. I don't know if he was in a bad mood before he called, but he went off on me when I answered the phone. He told me that I was taking an illegally controlled narcotic. I just felt so ashamed after that call. He talked to me like I was some junkie loser begging for a fix. Even when he was yelling at me I didn't talk back, because we both knew that he was the one who stood between me and severe withdrawal. I didn't even tell him that a narcotic was a drug derived from opiates, so I wasn't taking a narcotic and that I learned that in Psych 101 my first semester at college and that was something he should know, being through med school and all. I just kept my mouth shut the whole time and hated it.
Decisons
My mom has been telling me for the past year that Klonopin was causing my problems. I didn't agree at the time. I do now. She's been asking me to check into a rehab clinic and I dismissed the idea everytime. So now, I'm calling her to tell her she was right all along and that I will go to rehab. I feel so scared, but at the same time, I feel hopeful and positive about it.
