Boundaries
Until I reached my mid-20's, I didn't know much about setting personal boundaries.
I was raised in an atmosphere where saying no wasn't an option. I did what I was told because in my family, there wasn't a choice. If I thought something was unfair and even attempted to speak up for myself, I was silenced very quickly. I was a very different person than I am today, but it took learning new skills and a lot of practice to get to that point. During that time, I had difficulty standing up for myself, defending myself, and I allowed people to walk all over me because I didn't know any different.
At some point, I got fed up. But, I didn't become assertive. I went from one end of the spectrum (passive) to the other (aggressive), and I think I had to go through that aggressive phase before realizing neither were effective. The solution was in between.
Sometimes that passiveness still creeps up on me (like at the beauty salon), and sometimes aggressiveness rears its ugly head. If I feel like I'm being insulted, intimidated, harassed, or bullied, I fight back harder. I'm not sure it's always a matter of boundaries either, sometimes it might be just out of pride.
But, I'm getting older, and each day, a little wiser. I know that assertiveness is the best way to handle (or diffuse) situations. Or maybe I'm just learning to choose my battles and not waste time on pettiness. I'm not perfect though. I have bad days when I fall back into passive or aggressive mode, and then I have to remind myself that neither is worth my time, effort, or worry.
I read this a long time ago and it helped me change my thinking. You might have seen this before too. It's just a simple list called Every Person's Bill of Rights and it's used in Assertiveness Training. I came across it again the other day and decided to post it. The list is a compilation from several different web sources.
Every Person's Bill of Rights
You have the right to...
- Be treated with dignity and respect.
- Have and express your own feelings.
- Have your own opinions and values.
- Be listened to and taken seriously.
- Set your own priorities and decide what's important for you.
- Say No without feeling guilty.
- Ask for what you want.
- Ask for information and advice from professionals.
- Make mistakes.
- Change your mind.
- Not be perfect.
- Decline responsibility for other people's problems.
- Choose not to assert yourself.
- Get what you pay for.
- Say "I don't know."
- Say "I don't care."
- Be who you are and not apologize for it.
- Not answer questions.
- Not justify your actions or behavior to others.
Of course, there are some exceptions to the rules. It's not a license to do or say whatever you want at the expense of others' feelings. Asserting your rights also doesn't guarantee you'll be treated fairly and that you'll get what you want. Regardless, it still builds confidence and helps when communicating with others.
